• Article "Finding your feet in difficult times" by Julie Kay
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• Julie Kay in Brisbane

I cannot stress enough that if you find you are not coping and feel you these steps are not working, I urge you to speak to a doctor or counsellor.

Before I give you some steps to take I want you to think about this. In this lifetime on this, the physical plane we learn a very specific lesson - the lesson of loss. Most of our emotional pain comes from losing something - from loved ones to our self-esteem. 

Loss is a very personal experience and no two people will deal with it or get through it in the same way. No one has the right to tell you to get over it. You are allowed to grieve and you are allowed to feel sad. In many cases of loss you will never get over it completely especially if you have lost a loved one. In time you learn to accept it and empower yourself to take the steps forward onto a new pathway of life.  

No one is ever going to escape the lesson of loss and it can show up in many different ways. Loss of a loved one through death or leaving, loss of career, loss of finances, loss of a home and the one that we all neglect to consider - loss of self.

Loss of self is the part of us that is really hurting when we suffer any of the above losses. We feel abandoned, useless, not appreciated and not good enough, sad, devastated, angry, revengeful and fearful. We will then usually deal with these emotions and feelings in one of the following ways;

We will reflect our hurt and anger towards the person or circumstance that created the loss or we will take it personally and feel like we have no worth or hope at all.

When we reflect our hurt outwards we are hoping to make amends or change our experience of loss and whilst we may feel that if justice is done we will feel better, it’s very much the case that nothing will make you feel better not even justice and you will only be prolonging your pain.

When we reflect our hurt and anger inwards we are left feeling that we are not good enough, that no one could possibly love us, we can never do anything right or god is punishing us.

Reflecting outwardly and inwardly with this energy vibration is going to keep you in your anger and pain for a very long time. There is another way back to peace and happiness. Finding acceptance and finding you!  

Finding acceptance

When we are in struggle we are usually in pain because we do not want this experience. We want the outcome to be different and we just don’t want to accept this as our truth. You may have lost a loved one or your partner may have cheated on you, you may have failed in a business or you may have been taken advantage of. No matter how many times you go over this in your head and over what you could or should have done there is nothing you can do NOW to make this situation different. The outcome has already been done. For acceptance we must release the past and future and focus on what we can deal with right now. One step at a time. If you allow the maybe’s to take centre stage (could be, may be, and should be) you are not in acceptance that you cannot change the outcome. This is where we need to muster our strength and bring our focus to the now and what we need to do to move forward. Acceptance is easier with time and you are allowed the process of grieving, the process of grieving will be shorter if you make a mental note to remind yourself the outcome has been done and nothing can ever change it.

The next step is finding you.

To find you, you will need to take 100% responsibility for everything you do and everything about your life. We learn a lot from families and unfortunately sometimes these lessons create a lot of pain. We may not have been dealt the best of circumstances in life but we do have a choice to live in the pain as a victim of life or grow out of  the challenges to empower our life.

If you chose to live in the pain you will never find happiness, you will always be looking for someone to blame, you will always find justifications through the stories you tell others of how your life should have been. You have the tools and strength within to change your life at any time but to do so you must first acknowledge that from now on you are responsible for the outcome of your life good or bad. Accepting that when something bad happens or a challenge arises, it is your responsibility to move beyond this and heal yourself of the experience to find your feet again.

To do this we need to have a positive focus and outlook on life. Think about this for a moment.

What you are thinking about becomes your focus. What you focus on becomes your perception of your reality and what you perceive as your reality is what you create.

Let me explain this further; we all have three personalities living inside our heads. I like to give them names, positive Pam, dynamic Dan and negative Nellie. We choose which personality is ruling our focus and thoughts and we can change that personality at any time as simply as changing a hat/cap.

Let’s have a look at how these personalities are really affecting our futures and how we are really creating our own life. Let’s take these personalities out of our heads and give them lives. They all work for the same store, they all earn the same money and they all do the same work and hours. Their manager Michael calls them into the office one day, sits them all down and tells them all that “due to the tough economic times you have all just been made redundant and have lost your jobs”. How do they all react?

Dynamic Dan jumps out of his chair, shakes the bosses hand and says “thank you for having me and the experience you have given me, I am going out there to bigger and better things. His thoughts and focus are on bigger and better things and his perception is there are bigger and better things out there. When an opportunity comes along because of his focus and perception he will see it and so the reality he creates for himself is just that.

Positive Pam is not quite as confident as Dan. Pam sits back in her chair and says “oh my I didn’t see this coming but not to worry I will go home and put my resume together and get a new job”. Her thoughts and focus are putting together a resume for a new job, her perception is that there are jobs out there. So with her perception and focus in alignment she will be able to see a pathway and take advantages of the opportunities that come her way. Her reality will be she will put her resume together and she will get another job.

Negative Nellie on the other hand starts yelling and accusing the boss. “I can’t believe you can do this to me, don’t you know there are no jobs out there”. “No I don’t accept this I want you to fix this I can’t survive without a job”. Her thoughts and focus are that she is unable to get another job and she wants the boss to fix it. Her perception is there are no jobs out there. So how would she even see an opportunity when one comes along when she is so closed to the idea? Nellie will create her focus and perception and there will be no job for Nellie.

Ask yourself which hat are you wearing and what life style are you currently creating for yourself?

It will take time to work on your thoughts and reprogram them as it has probably taken many years of a habitual negative thinking. It will be the only way you will start to see your life in a more positive way. It gives you the ability to take the challenges and grow from them and the confidence that you can do it. It also gives you hope.

Love you and your life.

It’s time to start to focus on the good things about you and your life. It is so much easier to look in the mirror and point out all your flaws than to look in the mirror and love what you see. We are programed to focus on the negative. Look at the news it’s mostly all negative and people can’t get enough of it. Why? I believe it’s because while we focus on everyone else’s negativity we don’t need to focus on our own it takes our attention away from our own short comings. We can change this by starting to focus on what we like about ourselves and what we have achieved and by being grateful for what we have. I am sure you would find someone who would love to swap bodies or change lives with you. There is always someone worse off that you. Have a look at the third world countries where lives are controlled by war and hunger and injuries and health issues are the main cause of early deaths.

Get yourself a journal and use this daily to reprogram your thoughts and focus.

Write a list of all the things you have achieved in your life and what you like about yourself. Use this to remind you when you’re down on yourself that it’s not all negative.

·         Awards

·         Children

·         Job promotions and achievements

·         Sporting achievements

·         When you helped someone

·         You are friendly

·         You have great legs

·         You have a lovely smile

Write a list of everything you are grateful for in your life. Use this list to remind yourself of what you have got when your mind wants to focus on what you haven’t got.

·         Your children

·         Your home

·         The two legs you have to walk around on

·         Your health

·         Friends

·         This article

·         Living in this country

Now I want you to make a commitment to yourself that you will give yourself the time and energy that you need to find yourself and heal. I want you to acknowledge that where you are right now may not be where you want to be but you have the inner power to get to where you want to be. State that this will be your responsibility and you will seek out any help and information that you need to achieve your goals and dreams. – Write out this commitment and oath to yourself.

Write down a list of all the things that you will need to do to move forward in life. Examples may be;

·         See a counsellor

·         Work on a positive attitude

·         Clean up the house

·         Find a new job

·         Discover how to be comfortable being by myself

·         Make plans for a new start

Once you have your list of goals and the direction you are heading, you will need to keep yourself accountable to doing just that. You may want to ask a friend to help keep you accountable or you may feel strong enough to keep yourself accountable.

I find when you first start on this journey you will need to refer to your lists often and keep them handy to remind yourself of all that is good in your life. Your mind has been programmed over the years and so you will have to make an effort to load this new program in.

This is an exercise I give my clients to do to help program their focus onto the good things in life, so that they create more of the good things.

Every night before going to sleep answer these questions (takes about 2 mins) In the beginning you may have to use very simple things and search for the answers and in time it will become easier.  

Write down three things that made you smile today?

Write down three things you were grateful for today?

Write down one instance when you made someone happy today?

Write down one instance when you made yourself happy today?